I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
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Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
notice
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.