I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
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Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Beauty and the Beast
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
a badder mouse
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.