Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”

– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.

me: no problem i’ll just wash them.

hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.

Me: …dare.

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.