I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
You Might Also Like
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Somebody’s lying.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.