I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
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My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”