I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
You Might Also Like
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.