Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times

Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.