I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
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Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
new wife guy just dropped
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.