I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
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I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…