I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
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He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
oh no, steve’s working tonight
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.