Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.

No one:

Absolutely no one:

My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.

I only say stupid things when I talk.

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

PER MY LAST EMAIL

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke

CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s

ME:

CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.

Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!

[Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.