Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.

Me: Your old shoes were red, too.

8: These are redder.

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

mechanics be like

A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened

Amazon Prime: can I take your order

Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg

Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no

Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol

Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

For anyone who needs this today