I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
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My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Wait a minute…
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar MeyerAll of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel