I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
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When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
What kind of a cult is this?
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend