I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
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Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers