I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
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Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
english majors be like furthermore
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.