I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
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a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!