I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
You Might Also Like
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
Genius.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade