I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
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the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks