I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
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Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.