Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel

Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

Crying is a sign of leakness.

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore