I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
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My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
U talkin 2 me?
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Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
i just found this in my phone
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Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this![]()
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SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”