Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?

Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

For the baby who has everything

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars

4yo: Bam!

Me: Excuse me?!

7yo: He didn’t say dammit!

2yo: Dammit?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.