I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
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just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
