Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way

nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

Greek yogurt should have Greek names.

“What flavor you got?”

“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down

Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”