I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

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You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you’ve told a woman she’s overreacting.


“My uncle is a dead person guy”. Me last night when I couldn’t think of the word mortician


Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.


Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.


The guy who created Virgin airlines probably didnt go to high school otherwise he would have called it “shes probably lying airlines”.



“I have a boyfriend.”

“Do y-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Excuse m-”

“I have a boyfriend.”




GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish

ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.


Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.


*turns off the WiFi at home*

*gathers everyone around*

Ok now lets all introduce ourselves