I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
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Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me: