@JessObsess

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

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@AbbeYaar

You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you’ve told a woman she’s overreacting.

@mrbuster60

“My uncle is a dead person guy”. Me last night when I couldn’t think of the word mortician

@SonOfCha

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

@Darlainky

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

@LeonEarlgrey

The guy who created Virgin airlines probably didnt go to high school otherwise he would have called it “shes probably lying airlines”.

@UncleDuke1969

“Hi-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Do y-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Excuse m-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”

@nyquills

[MasterChef]

GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish

ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.

@elle91

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

@DaddyJew

*turns off the WiFi at home*

*gathers everyone around*

Ok now lets all introduce ourselves