I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
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Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Home is where your toilet is.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Had to try this trend 😊
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop