Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?

*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.

My dog when she hears popcorn popping

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.

Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.

Me: Just get in.

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx