Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy

Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”

movies are BACK

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

what

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly