I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I wish this was real life…
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Camel dough
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
this is me
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
i just found this in my phone
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.