Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.

Skip intro

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

Truly one of the great bangers

I’m as full as a tick on a tampon

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.