I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
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Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
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I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here