I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
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Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I’m listening
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.