I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
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[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.