I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
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me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
yeah not falling for this one
