I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
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Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…