I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
You Might Also Like
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.