I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
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Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Go hard or stay average
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift