Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…

Me: Sold!

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

I’m giving up for Lent.

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still