I used to hate waiters until I realized they’re not just being nosy. They need to know what I want to eat so they can relay it to the kitchen staff
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A comma is just a period with a mullet.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.