Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

Me: You have to do your homework.

My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?

Me: Obviously yes.

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

* My life flashes before my eyes*

Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.

a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry