I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
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If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock