I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
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When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Shoo shoo! 😂
Now, where’s the sport in that?
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
An odd boast
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
found a horse’s reddit account
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.