I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
