I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
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Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
LMFAOOOO
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit