I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
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Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that