Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

oh my gosh!!

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.