‘LSD makes users lose weight’
That makes sense, it’s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there’s a dragon guarding it.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
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How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
All I did was compliment a coworker on their fantastic mustache, and now I’m in HR’s office.
Thanks a lot, Megan!
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
MAN: See my tattoo? It says “Only God can judge me.”
GOD: That shirt with those pants?
Me: I hate this. The bears freak me out.
Him: Babe don’t be silly.
Bear, textin from right outside my tent at 3am: u up?
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.