I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
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bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.