@JamesonN7

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

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@EviGarth

‘LSD makes users lose weight’

That makes sense, it’s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there’s a dragon guarding it.

@sambaintv

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

@TheMichaelRock

All I did was compliment a coworker on their fantastic mustache, and now I’m in HR’s office.

Thanks a lot, Megan!

@david8hughes

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

@CynicalTherapi1

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

@_GrahamPatrick

MAN: See my tattoo? It says “Only God can judge me.”

GOD: That shirt with those pants?

@iamspacegirl

CAMPING

Me: I hate this. The bears freak me out.

Him: Babe don’t be silly.

[later]

Bear, textin from right outside my tent at 3am: u up?

@fro_vo

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

@Darlainky

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.