@JamesonN7

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

You Might Also Like

@shariv67

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

@WhiteKid4Sale

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

@JustDontBugMe

Look, kid, sorry I ate your ice cream out of your hand but at the rate you were licking, it was either gonna be me or the ground.

@ddsmidt

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

@mattwhitlockPM

dear apps that shut off my music when i open them: just how important do you think you are

@ADHDeanASL

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

@_TeaChap

I went on a date last night!nIt went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

@Smooheed

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

@UnFitz

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.