If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
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Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Look, kid, sorry I ate your ice cream out of your hand but at the rate you were licking, it was either gonna be me or the ground.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
dear apps that shut off my music when i open them: just how important do you think you are
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I went on a date last night!nIt went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.