I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
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One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
☠️☠️☠️
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked