I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
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My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her