Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

I stand by it

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.

Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol

Eve: oh right, you like puns

Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?