I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
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Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
the chicken was already gone when I got here
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
The 6 types of sex
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.