I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
You Might Also Like
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*