I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
You Might Also Like
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I babysat for my neighbors last night. When they got home, there were dirty cups everywhere, the ice cream was melted and there was red nail polish on the velvet sofa. On the plus side, the kids never woke up.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
is this store having a stroke wtf
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*