I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
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No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Thanks to a fan for this one!
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.