Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

[Me on Shark Tank]

*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*

I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families

*first date*

Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

Logged into Facebook.

‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’

Logged out of Facebook.

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!