I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
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I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Do one thing every day that scares people.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*