“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
You Might Also Like
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”