“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
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I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
bears
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?