Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

We decided to have money instead of children.

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems

I self medicate, therefore you live.

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up

Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.