Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.

Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

accurate

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

love pickles so much i put myself in one

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam