I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
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The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
necessity is the mother of invention
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.