I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
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Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
my one true gender
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.