I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Comparing yourself to others
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
