Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

My brain is a bad influence on me

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.