I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
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Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
umm…
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.