I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
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“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance