I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
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In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Get in loser we’re going crying
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
asking santa clause for nudes
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.