I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
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me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god