I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
You Might Also Like
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?
“Queuecumbers”.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.