I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
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Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Growing out my freckles.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad